


Reluctant Heroes

by Vizkopa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Jean constantly fucks things up, Love Triangles, Reader Insert, Slow To Update, because I'm hella busy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2018-04-13 14:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4525908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vizkopa/pseuds/Vizkopa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When Wall Maria fell, you and Jean made a promise to each other. You would enter the military together and train hard to join the Military Police. But a lot can change in three years.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_On that day, humanity received a grim reminder…_

A bolt of lightning ripped the sky to the south beyond the walls. You stopped to watch, your mouth agape. There was not a single sign of rain in the azure sky, only small, wispy clouds that floated lazily on the late afternoon breeze. Something was not right.

You scanned the bustling crowded streets. As far as you could tell, no one else had noticed, content instead to continue with their peaceful lives, chatting amiably and remaining completely oblivious to strange bolts of lightning hurled from clear blue skies.

_How can they be so blind?_

You raced through the streets of Trost, small feet pounding against the cobblestones worn smooth from a hundred years of traffic. Adults shook their heads as you flew past them, muttering under their breath at your carelessness. You barely noticed them. There was someone you had to see.

“Jean!” you called as you rounded the corner of an all too familiar street.

“[Name]!” came the reply as a boy with copper blonde hair came running toward you. “Did you see it too?”

You nodded, eyes wide. “What do you think happened?”

Jean looked at you, his face serious. “The wall is broken.”

 

* * *

 

 

You stood together, side by side and watched the boats come. Dark smoke rose in columns to the south, and blasts of cannon fire could be heard in the distance. A silent tear rolled down your cheek as you reached for Jean’s hand. He squeezed it gently in return.

“I've decided something, [Name],” he said, honey-gold eyes staring into the evening horizon.

“What’s that?”

“Two years from now, when I’m old enough, I’m enlisting. I want to join the Military Police. Shiganshina is gone. So is Wall Maria. Trost could be next, and I don’t want to die.”

You looked at him. He seemed completely serious, his normal joking visage replaced by a look of determination.

“Then I’ll enlist too,” you said. “We can go to Wall Sina together.”

He nodded. “I’d like that.”

“It’s a promise then.”

You both turned back to the boats. Even from a distance you could see the faces of their passengers, the pain and the terror. You caught the eye of a brunette boy with a turquoise gaze. He stared back blankly, before casting his eyes downward.

“I don’t want to die, either,” you whispered.

Jean gave your hand another reassuring squeeze. “Nobody does.”


	2. Chapter 2

“ _We now begin the enlistment ceremony for the 104th Training Corps!_ ”

You stood to attention, eyes ahead, back straight. This was it – your first step on the path to the inner walls. You cast a sideways glance at Jean, who stood beside you with a confident smirk on his face. It always surprised you how much he had grown over the last two years – in body and in ego. The two of you exchanged a self-assured grin before turning your attentions to the man who had stepped into view before the group.

“I am Keith Shadis, and I had the misfortune to be assigned to train you sorry bastards!”

His voice echoed out over the field, reaching the ears of every trainee. His shrewd, sunken eyes scanned the crowd and you felt suddenly vulnerable in your place in the fifth row. They seemed to fix on you for a moment, narrowing almost imperceptibly as you tried your hardest to keep your face free from any betraying emotion.

“Now, I’m not here to welcome you. Right now, you are mere cattle, fit for nothing but titan food. No… You’re less than cattle!”

You gritted your teeth. Who was this guy? What gave him the right?

“In three years, we will take you worthless pieces of crap and train you, give you the means to fight titans. In three years, when you stand before a titan, will you still be food? Or will you be a noble wall shielding the King? Or perhaps one of humanity’s glorious soldiers that slay titans? The decision is yours.”

There was silence as he finished his speech. No doubt every member of the 104th Training Squad had their eyes set on the option that meant guaranteed survival – the glory and honour that was a place in the Military Police Brigade.

You glanced around at the others, observing them from the corner of your eye. Most looked nervous, shaken by Shadis’ speech. Others, like Jean, bore an air of confidence around them and you suspected they would all be worthy rivals. A handful, however, stared ahead with eyes that looked as if they had seen too much, their faces expressionless, focused. You knew they would be the toughest competitors of all and you grimaced at the thought.

Turning your eyes back to the front, you noted that Shadis had begun to inspect the lines of soldiers-to-be. You watched with grim fascination as he picked out a blond boy from the third row.

“You there! Who are you?”

“Armin Arlert from Zhiganshina, sir!”

“Oh yeah? That’s a stupid name! Did your parents give it to you?”

The poor boy looked terrified. “My grandfather, sir.”

The bald man leaned down until he was practically nose to nose with the younger boy. His eyes narrowed.

“Why are you here, Arlert?”

“Trying to aid humanity’s victory, sir!” cried Armin, his hand shaking in its position over his heart as sweat poured from his brow.

 _Sorry to say kid, but you won’t be helping anyone in that condition_ , you thought bitterly.

“Well,” continued Shadis. “Isn't that just wonderful.” His cruel yellow eyes bored into the boy’s brilliant blue.

“Then you can feed the titans. THIRD ROW, ABOUT FACE!”

You watched him move from one sorry face to the next, leaving each one shell shocked and shaking like a leaf in his wake. He broke them one by one, almost methodically dashing their hopes and dreams. This was going to be a tough three years…

As you watched, you noticed he had already skipped past a handful of trainees, eyeing them with a look akin to respect as he passed them by. You noted that they had been the ones you had singled out before, those with the hard gazes and stoic expressions. Silently, you wondered what they had been through, but you feared you already knew the answer. You shuddered. Most, if not all, had probably lost someone at the hands of a titan.

You were pulled from your musings with a start as the voice of Keith Shadis sounded close by.

“WHO ARE YOU!?”

It took you a moment to realise he was addressing Jean, not you. You let out a small sigh of relief.

“Jean Kirschtein from Trost!”

“WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

Jean seemed caught off guard for a moment, before that familiar smirk began to spread across his face once more.

“I’m going to join the Military Police for a life deep within the walls.”

Shadis glared down at him for a moment before leaning in close, eyes fixed on your friend. Jean leaned back involuntarily, but no matter what he did he could not escape the contempt that seemed to waft from the bald man like a bad scent.

“Is that so…” he said, his voice frighteningly calm.

“Yes,” replied Jean, without a moment’s hesitation, but the smirk was wiped from his face as with a loud crack, his forehead came into contact with Shadis’ apparently rock-like skull. The boy fell to the ground, clutching his head in pain as he shook with the strain of trying to hold back his tears.

You snickered at him and he shot you an angry, red-rimmed glare from his spot in the dust, but your laughter was cut short as you found yourself face to face with Shadis himself. You felt rather than saw the trainees around you cringe.

“Who the fuck are you?” he growled, and you scrambled to offer him a competent salute.

“[Name] [Last Name] from Trost, sir!” you cried.

“You think this is funny, [Last Name]?”

“No, sir!”

“Let me guess… Military Police?”

You faltered. ‘Y-yes, sir.”

“THE MILITARY POLICE HAS NO PLACE FOR CLOWNS AND JOKERS, TRAINEE!” he roared.

“Yes, sir!”

He offered you one last, scrutinizing glare, before moving on to the boy beside you. You let out your pent up breath and relaxed your salute. You seemed to have attracted the attention of a number of trainees around you. All of them avoided your gaze as you scanned the rows – all except one boy. You recognised him as one of those Shadis had skipped over, but there was something about him that seemed strikingly familiar, which was reciprocated in his shocked expression. You were sure you had seen those ocean green eyes somewhere before…

You glanced away quickly, an unwelcome blush colouring your cheeks, and returned your attention to Shadis, who was now glaring daggers at a girl eating a… Potato? You watched with pity at the horror dawning on her face as she was told she would run laps until she dropped.

You exchanged a concerned glance with Jean. This was truly about to be three years of hell…


	3. Chapter 3

“I can’t believe she’s still running,” you mused as you absently watched the Potato Girl run. You smiled in disbelief. Day one and she had already earned her own nickname. “It’s been five hours now, she must be exhausted.”

Jean paused on his way to the dining hall, raising an eyebrow at you before following your gaze out to the training field. He snorted.

“She seemed far more concerned about missing dinner if you ask me,” he said, resuming his stride. “Come on, I’m starving.”

You rolled your eyes, but followed him without complaint. As you approached the doors, you caught sight of a small group gathered outside. One of them happened to be the boy you had seen earlier and you felt another pang of recognition as his eyes made contact with your own. Something stirred inside you – unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

You watched as the others filed inside, leaving the green-eyed boy to look out on the setting sun. You turned to Jean.

“Hey, why don’t you go ahead without me? I have something I need to do first…”

He gave you an odd look, his eyes flickering toward the solitary boy before his empty stomach got the better of him, and he left with a shrug of his shoulders. Your gaze followed his retreating back until it disappeared behind the door, then you approached the boy, casually leaning your forearms against the railing beside him.

“Hi,” you said shyly, casting him a sidelong glance.

“Hey, [Name], right?” He turned to look at you, head tilted slightly to the side. His sea green eyes were curious, but wary.

“Right.” You looked out into the distance, watching the fluffy, gold-rimmed clouds float lazily across a reddening sky. “Nice evening…”

“Yeah…”

The silence seemed to stretch on forever between the two of you as you struggled to find the words to voice that nagging thought that had plagued you since initiation that morning. Throwing caution to the winds, you turned to him.

“Call me crazy, but I have this strange feeling we’ve met before,” you said.

“I can’t see how that could be possible. You grew up in Trost, right?”

You nodded.

“Then it shouldn’t be possible. And yet… I have the strangest feeling I’ve seen you somewhere before too…” he mused.

He turned to you and searched your face. You blushed under his scrutinizing gaze and glanced away. From the corner of your eye, you thought you caught the faintest dusting of pink across his cheeks as he too hurried to break eye contact.

“I’m Eren.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Eren.”

The two of you stood in companionable silence as the sun continued its descent across the sky. A horse-drawn cart was trundling along in the distance, its passengers defeated and solemn. Eren followed your gaze and watched sadly as it disappeared over the next rise.

“Dropouts. If you’re not strong enough, you’re sent back to the fields. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to go back to that.” He grimaced, a hint of anger crossing his features for a moment.

“It’s better than the alternative.” You shuddered. “Unless you’ve got the stuff to make top ten, of course.”

Eren turned to you, a curious look in his eye.

“That’s right; you’re looking to make the Military Police aren’t you?”

“Me and everyone else here.”

He gave you searching look before turning back to gaze out on the steadily darkening landscape. He looked as if he were about to say something, but seemed to change his mind.

“I guess that makes us rivals,” he said, his voice tainted by some unrecognizable emotion.

You eyed him carefully.

“I guess it does.”

 

* * *

 

“Who the hell does he think he is?” Jean muttered, pulling you out of your reverie. “They’re treating him as if he’s some kind of celebrity!”

You followed his gaze to the group crowded about the table beside you. They were chattering excitedly, and at the group’s very centre sat Eren. A look of determination set his face as he spoke.

“I’m going to join the Survey Corps, so I can wipe the Titans off the face of the Earth.”

_What?! ___

“I’ll kill them a-”

“Are you nuts?” Jean piped up from beside you. “Did you say you want to join the Survey Corps?”

“Jean, don’t,” you warned, but he ignored you.

“Yeah, I did.” Eren turned to him with a challenging glare. “And you said you wanted to join the Military Police to take it easy, right?”

His eyes flickered to you and you felt your face flush with anger. Was that what he thought of you as well?

“Hey, at least I’m honest,” Jean replied with a smirk. “Instead of someone who pretends to have balls of steel even when he’s clearly about to piss himself.”

Eren was on his feet before anyone could realise what was happening.

“Are you talking about me?” His voice was dangerously calm. You prepared yourself to hold Jean back if necessary, but it was too late. He had already risen to the challenge, striding forward with a lazy grin until he stood towering over the boy before him.

The rest of the room fell silent as they stared each other down, the air tense. But in a moment, it was shattered as a bell tolled out the end to dinner. You stood and placed a tentative hand on Jean’s arm but he ignored you, his golden eyes never leaving Eren’s vibrant green.

“Hey, I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “I didn’t want to say you were doing the wrong thing. Peace?” He extended a hand, that same cocky smirk still marking his features.

“I’m sorry too,” said Eren, his shoulders relaxing slightly. He reached out as if to take hold of the other boy’s hand, but slapped it away, turning to leave without so much as a backward glance. Jean watched him leave, his expression one of quiet triumph, until a girl with beautiful black hair and exotic features crossed his line of sight. In an instant that smug smirk became a flustered red mess and he stammered out a jumbled sentence.

“Hey, you… w-well uh… You look different… To the rest of us I mean…”

You could barely contain your laughter, pressing your hand tightly over your mouth in an attempt to suppress your giggles. He noticed regardless, and blushed harder, casting you an angry glare.

“I-I’m sorry. Your hair is very pretty…”

You almost died.

“Thank you,” she said without so much as a bat of her luscious black eyelashes, before strolling from the hall after Eren, leaving Jean slack-jawed and tomato red behind her. You waltzed up to him, a wide grin splitting your face.

“Smooth,” you said, still fighting the urge to laugh.

“Shut up,” he murmured, blush still raging.

“You never compliment _my_  hair Jean,” you whined playfully, tugging at his arm and laughing at his increasingly flustered expression as you led him away back to the dorms, but deep down you felt a twinge of something.

Somehow you knew that you would not just be competing for a place in the top ten.  



	4. Chapter 4

“Alright, hoist me up!”

Jean offered you a mock salute and leaned down to turn the crank. He kept a close eye on you as your feet lifted from the ground, the wires that suspended your tensed body creaking slightly from the strain. He had already passed the test with flying colours, and now it was your turn to show them all what you were made of.

You gritted your teeth as you wobbled slightly, but managed to keep your balance. _This isn’t so bad!_  you thought, relaxing a little and letting a small smile cross your face. You risked a sidelong glance at Jean, ready to share your victory with your friend, but his eyes were directed elsewhere. Your smile dropped as you followed his admiring gaze down the line of precariously balanced cadets to a certain black-haired girl.

Mikasa was as steady as a rock, her newly cut hair fluttering lightly in the breeze created by her almost imperceptible movements, a faraway look in her unreadable eyes. The instructors were looking on appreciatively, muttering amongst themselves and nodding approvingly.

“Show off,” you muttered, scrabbling desperately to keep yourself upright as your concentration slipped momentarily.

There was a snort of laughter from Jean, and at first you thought he was laughing at you. You rounded on him, completely prepared to kick him in that smug horse face of his, but as you turned, you were met with the most bizarre sight.

Eren Jaeger, Mr. “I’m-gonna-kill-all-the-titans” was hanging upside down from his manoeuvre gear, swinging helplessly in the wind and looking somewhat dazed at the unexpected turn of events. His face was growing steadily redder as the blood rushed to his head. The laughing crowd surrounding him was not helping with the matter in the slightest. It was such a ridiculous sight that you simply could not help it.

You laughed. _Hard._

And in doing so, your concentration shattered and with a start, you felt yourself tumbling backwards toward the hard, dusty ground. Your laugh was cut short with a small yelp and you closed your eyes, awaiting impact. But it never came.

“Woah, there.”

You felt a pair of lean arms surrounding you, supporting you, and you opened our eyes to find yourself face to face with Jean. He gave you a dazzling smile and for a moment you were stricken with the realisation of just how handsome he had become.

“You okay?” he asked and when you didn’t reply, a light of concern entered his eyes. “I wasn’t too late was I?” He smirked. “Twelve years too late, maybe? I always wondered if you’d been dropped as a child. It certainly would explain a l-”

You pulled yourself out of your daze and shoved him away from you, finding your balance once more. You looked around quickly to make sure Shadis had not seen it and you breathed a sigh of relief when you saw him shouting at Eren, his back turned to you. You turned to Jean.

“Jerk,” you growled, but there was a hint of a smile in your voice and you knew he could sense it.

“Hey, that’s no way to talk to the guy who just saved your life,” he said, that cocky grin still fixed on his face.

You snorted. “My brave prince, thank you _ever_  so much for saving me from imminent death. However can I repay you?” You looked at him meaningfully and rolled your eyes. His infuriating grin only widened.

“Just give me half your dinner tonight and we’ll call it even.”

“Not a chance,” you scoffed. “Now let me down before I end up like Jaeger over there.”

 

* * *

 

As it turned out, Jean ended up taking half your dinner anyway. One look at the thick, lumpy gruel in your bowl was enough to banish your appetite completely. You nibbled absently on your bread roll, your eyes roaming the dining hall.

Dinner seemed quieter than usual, perhaps due to the slowly dwindling numbers of cadets as more and more found the rigors of training too much for them. But that wasn’t what struck you as odd. Something seemed wrong somehow, yet at first glance nothing seemed out of place. But you could hear the whispers…

“Hey, isn’t that the kid from yesterday who said he’d kill all the titans?”

“Yeah, I bet he’ll be off to the frontier tomorrow. We don’t have enough food to feed worthless rejects.”

It was then that you locked eyes with Eren across the room and it clicked. He had been strangely subdued tonight, no doubt thanks to his failure earlier that day. His usual energy seemed to have petered out, leaving the hall strangely peaceful. He broke eye contact quickly and glanced away, a blush forming on his cheeks. You wondered how it must feel to have the most important thing taken away from you in such a short amount of time – his reason to live, his chance at revenge, at justice.

You were pulled out of your musings by the clearing of a throat and you looked up to meet those same sea green eyes up close this time. You were surprised to see that the spark had not left them, rather it seemed to have intensified, his pleading gaze boring into yours. He looked between you and Jean, appearing to be battling with himself. Finally, he spoke and you could tell from his tone that he did so with reluctance.

“I need your help,” he said softly.

Jean laughed harshly. “The great and mighty Jaeger is asking us for help? Actually, I’d like you to tell me how you’re still sane after humiliating yourself like that. You almost gave [Name] a concussion, she laughed so hard!”

“Jean!” you cried, blushing furiously, but he only laughed.

Eren gave you a despairing look. “Guys, I’m begging you here...”

“Weren't you saying just yesterday that those who aren’t strong enough should leave? I did hear him right, didn’t I [Name]?” Jean was really laying it on thick, a ridiculous smirk plastered across his face.

You offered Eren and apologetic look but he shook his head. “I should never have expected help from you.” Before you could say another word, he turned and left without a backward glance.

“Hey, wait!” you called out to his retreating back, but he ignored you.

Jean raised an eyebrow at you. “You’re not actually planning on helping him, are you? The kid’s suicidal; we’re doing him a favour.”

“Oh… I suppose…”

You knew deep down that if Eren left, there would be less competition which could only work in your favour. And not only that, but Mikasa would likely leave too. The girl followed Eren around like a lost puppy after all and you would be glad to not have to compete with her.

But somehow you felt you would come to miss those green eyes and secretly you hoped he would succeed tomorrow.

And you hoped you would not come to regret that feeling.


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t think I can do this any more,” you cried from your perch high in the trees.

Today was the day the trainees of the 104th Training Corps would put their skills to the test with the 3D manoeuvre gear. You had been feeling anxious for weeks, often staying late after training to get in as much practice as you could, Jean offering encouragement (varying in enthusiasm depending on how much of your dinner you agreed to give him) along the way. But when it came time to face the real thing, being suspended barely a foot in the air could not compare to the some fifty feet now between you and the ground.

“You’ll be fine, just don’t look down,” called Jean from an adjacent branch.

“Too late…” You cowered back from the edge, back pressed against the trunk, eyes shut tight. You could feel a cold sweat start to form on your brow.

You had not been this scared since you were seven, and you had gotten stuck up a tree while you and Jean were out collecting firewood from within Wall Maria. He had made fun of you, teased you relentlessly. At least until he saw the tears in your eyes, after which he carefully coaxed you down into his arms. The two of you returned home empty handed that day, and you had both received a scolding from your parents, but after that, you saw Jean in a new light – not just as a neighbour, but as a friend.

“Stop being such a wimp!” Jean’s harsh voice cut through your haze of memories and you opened your eyes to shoot him a glare.

“I miss the Jean from five years ago,” you muttered under your breath, before finally pushing away from the trunk and peering down to the ground below. You regretted it instantly as your head began to spin and you had to grip the tree tightly so you would not go tumbling down, even though you were anchored by your wires.

You almost did go tumbling when someone alighted on the branch next to you, taking you by surprise.

“Jean, what the f—” You turned to find Eren beside you, watching you carefully. “Oh, it’s you.”

You had been somewhat cold toward Eren since that first day of manoeuvre gear training. After failing spectacularly in his first attempt, you had hoped he would be sent home and there would be one less trainee to compete with for the top ten. But he had returned the next day only to find his gear was faulty and, once provided with functioning gear, had passed with flying colours, whereas you had barely scraped by.

Needless to say, an unspoken rivalry had developed between the two of you, but as much as you hated to admit it, you were glad you had someone to push you to be better. That, and you didn’t think you were ready to say goodbye to those ocean green eyes.

Those same eyes were now watching you closely as you fought to look anywhere but down.

“You’re going to have to look down eventually,” he said.

You clenched your teeth. “I’d die happy if I never have to.”

“You might just get your wish if a titan sneaks up from below. What are you really afraid of?”

“Oh, you know. Falling. Landing. Splat.” You made a motion with your hands to accentuate your last word, but quickly scrambled for purchase on the trunk again as you felt your balance falter.

“Then don’t fall. Fly.” He said it as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

“Easier said than done.”

Eren only shrugged “You can’t fly if you never try. Either I’ll see you at the end or I won’t.”

And with that he took off and you watched him with jealousy. After his initial failure, he had taken to the sky like a natural. He was rising fast among the ranks, seemingly through sheer determination alone, and as a result, your place in the top ten was starting to look shaky. You simply could not let him take it from you.

You took a deep breath, retracted your wires… and jumped.

 

* * *

 

“You were amazing out there, [Name]!”

You looked over at the dinner table at the freckled face of Marco, the boy you and Jean had befriended over the weeks since training began. Marco was aiming for the top ten as well which, ordinarily, would have automatically made him the enemy. But the boy was just too nice for his own good and before either you or Jean knew it, he had become a part of your little group. It was impossible not to like him and the three of you had struck up a sort of friendly rivalry.

“Oh. Thanks,” you said, blushing wildly.

“He’s right, you know. Not to mention crazy fast,” Jean pitched in.

If you hadn’t been blushing before, you most certainly would have been now. Praise from Jean was a rare occurrence. You laughed it off.

“Probably because all I could think off was how to get back on solid ground as soon as possible.”

The three of you laughed, turning heads in the otherwise hushed dining hall. Eren caught your eye from across the room and gave you a discreet, approving nod. You gave him a small smile back before turning back to your conversation.

“Really though, you faced your fear and you won,” said Marco. “Not many people can do that.”

“I’m still terrified of heights though,” you countered.

“Well it’s a good thing you’re not aiming for the Garrison then,” said Jean, smirking.

You punched him lightly on the arm and he only laughed, but the next minute, the laughter died in his throat.

“What do you want, Jaeger?”

“You know the worst fear is yet to come, right? A little vertigo is nothing compared to what’s outside those walls.” Eren stood to your side looking down at you, his mouth set in a hard line.

Jean leaned forward, forcing Eren to shift his gaze from you to him. “Well, it’s a good thing we’ll never have to find out.”

Eren frowned. “You must be stupid if you think this all just ends after graduation. Are you really that cocky that you haven’t even thought about the possibility of not making it to the top ten?”

“Then I’ll join the Garrison,” Jean said with a shrug.

“And what happens when we have a repeat of two years ago?” There was a tremor in Eren’s voice and you glanced over to find his fists clenched. You tried to catch his eye to give him a look of caution, but he was too focused on Jean. “What happens when the Colossal Titan returns to finish the job?”

His words ended in a shout followed by a hush. All eyes were on your table now, and Jean was glaring up at Eren, his mouth slightly open. You could read his thoughts even from across the table.

“Jean, don’t,” you warned. His eyes flickered to you and back to Eren, but some of the tension left his shoulders. He smirked up at Eren.

“Then I guess the Survey Corps will be there to save us,” he said, more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Eren gritted his teeth and for a moment looked like he was about to retort, but instead he turned on his heel and stormed out of the hall with one last glance in your direction. The door slammed and the room was left in silence for a few moments, before conversation began to pick back up again.

“Jeez, what was that about?” Jean growled.

“Will you stop picking fights with him? I know he’s an ass, but you know when he’s around, he brings out the ass in you too,” you spat out.

“Hey, he started it this time!”

“And you still took the bait! You’re both as bad as each other.” With that you slammed your spoon down and made to leave, bidding Marco a crisp goodnight. Jean called out after you.

“So does this mean I get the rest of your food?”

You didn’t even dignify his words with a response as you slammed the door behind you and met with the cold night air. Gods, he infuriated you sometimes. They both did, but lately it seemed Jean was letting this rivalry go to his head. He was always cocky, but he’d never been this outright arrogant.

It was dark out, the only illumination from the firelight that seeped through the windows of the dining hall, so you did not see the figure sitting at the edge of the decking until you almost tripped over them. As you looked down to apologise, you were met with a pair of green eyes in the semi-darkness.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there. And sorry for Jean. He can be… difficult.”

“You don’t need to apologise for him. It’s not your fault he’s a dick.” Eren smirked slightly at his words and it was the first time you had seen him smile.

You laughed and looked away, sitting down beside him and gazing out into the night. “He wasn’t always like this. I mean, he was always kind of a dick, but we’ve been friends a long time. He’s a good guy, really.”

“That’s hard to believe.”

“I know. He’ll come around eventually.”

“Can I ask… how did the two of you become friends? I mean, the two of you are so different, how’d you end up here together?”

You blushed slightly. “We’re not _together_ together. We were neighbours for years in Trost and I guess we just grew closer over the years. We were kind of forced to like each other, to be honest,” you said with a small laugh. “Our parents were friends.”

“I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“I knew you wouldn’t have been friends with him by choice.” His face broke out into a smile and if you had thought his previous smile had been nice, this one was simply breathtaking. You hoped the light was not enough to show the colour in your cheeks.

“Shut up,” you laughed, and he laughed with you. It was a nice sound.

“I should get to bed,” you said with a sigh. “Big day, you know?”

“Of course.”

Eren stood with you. There was awkward silence between the two of you for a moment and you thought that might be the end of the conversation. You were about to leave when he broke the silence.

“Hey, you did well today. I hope to see you at the end.”

You smiled at him. “Me too.”


	6. Chapter 6

 

“ _You’re falling behind, [Last Name]!_

Your head snapped up at the sound of your name only to realise you were indeed lagging behind the rest of the group. You gritted your teeth and increased your pace, leaving a panting, stumbling Armin behind in the mud until you were level with Jean again in the middle of the group. The entire 104th Training Squad were sullen and shivering, hoods pulled up against the cold rain. The cloaks did little against the sleet and you were all soaked through within minutes.

Jean threw you a sideways glance. “What was that about?” he hissed.

You returned his look with a glare. “I’m just a little distracted today.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, no kidding.”

“Did you not see the current rankings this morning? I’ve been pushed down to eleventh place! How did that even happen?”

“Exactly why you can’t afford any distractions right now. You let Jaeger push you out of the rankings. You need to do better, [Name].”

“But I’m already doing my best!”

“Then maybe you just don’t want this as much as you think you do.”  

You felt your anger flare up. “Well, I’m sorry we can’t all be as good at everything as you are, Mr. Fifth-Place!”

Ahead of you, you caught a glimpse of green eyes through the rain as Eren glanced back at the sound of your raised voice. You bit your lip and avoided his eyes. You hadn’t meant to shout, but Jean was just so...

“LESS TALKING, MORE RUNNING!” bellowed Shadis from his horse as he passed you by, splattering mud all over your already caked boots and pants legs. Who’s great idea was it to make _white pants_ part of the uniform?

You tightened your jaw and lowered your head against the rain, forging forward through the sticky mud. You let your mind begin to drift again. Jean had been doing nothing but get on your nerves lately with his ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude. Sure, he’d always been arrogant, and you would always knock him down a few pegs if he ever gave you cheek. But in the two years since the two of you had started your training, it had become increasingly more difficult to see in him the boy you knew as a child.

Meanwhile, Eren never looked at you as anything less than an equal, despite the way your grades had been failing as the others trainees began to come into their own. Even with the two of you being rivals, he never hesitated to offer advice. He drove you to be better by raising you up, not pulling you down.

You sighed. You were sure Jean meant well too. He was still your best friend, after all. You just wished he didn’t have to be such an ass about it. But he’d get what was coming to him soon enough. Perhaps even sooner than he expected as your mind set to work scheming.

The rain had slowed to almost a stop and most of the trainees had lowered their hoods in the hope of catching some sunshine before the day was through, but the mud was still as slippery and sticky as ever. You had to tread carefully, else one little slip could pull you off balance thanks to the weighted pack you wore. You didn’t fancy a swim in the mud. But maybe Jean did.

You briefly entertained the image of Jean flat on his back in the mud, limbs flailing in the air as he tried to free himself from his heavy pack. _Just like a turtle,_ you thought and snickered to yourself, earning an odd look from Jean. You ignored him.

No, that was too cruel.

Instead, you hung back a little and stooped low, tottering slightly as your heavy pack almost pulled you off balance. With one hand, you scooped up a handful of dark, sticky mud, concealing it under your cloak as you caught up to Jean again. He offered you little more than a glance.

“Hey, Jean, race you to the end?”

That piqued his interest. He grinned. “What do I get if I win?”

“Oh, trust me. You’re not going to win. But you do get this nice consolation prize.”

And with that and a wink, you raced ahead of him, but not before landing a decent sized mud pie right in the back of his head, splattering mud all over his hair. He froze, shuddering as it slid sickeningly down the back of his neck. He made to grab you, but you were already gone, dancing ahead out of his reach and cackling wildly.

“[LAST NAME]!”

You flinched. Damn it. He saw.

Shadis reigned his horse in next to you, glaring down with hard, sunken eyes. “You’re on boot shining duty tonight.”

Your heart sank as you looked down at your own mud-caked boots, and then around at all the others. Well, you couldn’t say you didn’t see it coming. You managed a salute and a “yes, sir!” that managed to sound even a little enthusiastic.

Shadis nodded, satisfied, before taking his place at the front of the group again. Despite his stern expression, you thought you saw a flicker of laughter in his eyes. You must have been imagining it. Keith Shadis had the sense of humour of a lake trout.

While you were pouting at the thought of likely having to miss dinner to complete your punishment, Jean caught up to you.

“Was it really worth it?” he hissed, mud still smeared all over his neck and matted in his hair.

“Yes,” was your simple answer.

 

* * *

 

By the time you had finished with the boots, you were sore, tired and hungry. But more than anything, you longed to have a long, hot bath.

By now, the bath house would most likely be empty, the trainees of the 104th opting to wash before dinner after the day they’d had. The allure of having the building all to yourself and a long soak to soothe your cold and aching muscles was far greater than the grumbling of your empty stomach.

As expected, the place was deserted. And you took your time undressing, peeling the garments off one by one with some difficulty due to the dried, caked mud. It had dried on your skin too and you felt it crack and crumble with every movement.

Finally, you sank down into the steaming water and leaned back, humming in contentment at the feeling of the heat soaking into your aching muscles and warming your chilled skin. The grime from the day began to wash away, and with it, your resentment against Jean.

You knew he was right. You hated to admit it, but it was true. You would have to do something about your failing grades and fast or you could kiss the inner walls goodbye. You had one year. One year to prove to everyone that you were worthy of the top ten. More than anything, you wanted to prove to Jean that you were just as good as he was, that you wanted to _live_ just as much as he did.

You’d show him. You’d join the Military Police together, just as you had promised each other four years ago.

You leaned your head against the side of the bath and closed your eyes, letting your mind wander back to the day of your promise. It had already been four years then. You had stood on the hill and watched the smoke rise, blotting out the sun in the clear blue sky. Jean had taken your hand in his own and squeezed it gently, and your heart rate quickened at the memory of it.

You would have been a fool not to notice that more than just Jean’s ego had grown in the last two years. Where previously you could look into his eyes and find them level with your own, now you had to look up to see his face. The months of hard training had stripped away the last of his baby fat, revealing a strong jaw and high cheekbones. His shoulders were broader, his body leaner, all tight muscles and tanned skin. For the first time in your life, you might call him handsome.

The more you thought about him, the more your mind began to wander, until… You snapped out of it, blushing heavily. You sank low into the water and blew out your frustration in a stream of bubbles.

What had Jean said earlier today? You couldn’t afford distractions. _Get yourself together, [Name]!_

You jumped suddenly as you heard a door open and voices echo through the wall that separated the women’s bath from the men’s. You recognised them instantly.

Reiner’s booming voice carried easily in the acoustic space. “I swear, I have mud in places you don't even want to know," he complained.

You crinkled your nose as the boys laughed and talked. You had no desire to hear this.

As quietly as you could, you slipped from the water and dried yourself hurriedly. You were just beginning to dress when Reiner addressed Jean who, until now, you hadn’t even known was there.

“So Jean, what the deal with you and [Name]?”

You froze.

“What do you mean?” came Jean’s reply.

“You two spend a lot of time together, is all. Thought something might be going on. Something you haven’t told us.” You could hear the grin in Reiner’s voice. You felt sick. You shouldn’t be listening to this.

“What?! No way, she’s not my type, man. Besides, we’ve been friends for, like, _forever_. It’d be like kissing my sister.”

To your surprise, your eyes began to sting with tears and a lump had formed in your throat that threatened to escape in a sob. What the hell? What was wrong with you? You and Jean were friends, that’s all. Why would you care that he didn't feel that way about you? And yet it felt like your heart was constricting inside your chest.

Jean didn’t stop there. “Mikasa, though… Now _she’s_ —”

But you never got to hear what Mikasa was because you were already dressed and gone, racing from the bath house as tears unwillingly spilled down your cheeks. Outside, someone was waiting for you.

“Oh, [Name], you’re done. I saw you weren’t at dinner, so I saved you some… Hey, what’s wrong?”

It was too late. Despite the fading light, he had seen your tears.

“It’s nothing,” you insisted, scrubbing angrily at your eyes. “I’m fine. Thanks, Eren, but I’m not really hungry.”

You brushed past him, making a beeline for your dorm and leaving him behind, alone and bewildered.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, Jean didn’t even seem to notice your foul mood towards him, at least not until you snapped at him over breakfast when he tried to take your leftovers. That was the first warning sign that told him something was off. You _always_ shared your food with him unless the two of you had been fighting, but for the life of him, he just couldn’t figure out what he’d done.

“What’s up with you this morning?” he said, nursing his hand where you had attempted to stab him with your butter knife.

“Didn’t sleep last night,” you muttered into your toast.

It wasn’t a complete lie. You had lain awake for hours last night trying to come to terms with whatever it was you were feeling. It had only led you to become more confused.

Jean didn’t press the issue over breakfast though and for that, you were grateful. The two of you had bickered so many times by now he knew when you needed space. But this time was different. This time you weren’t sure that you could just laugh it off like all the other petty arguments.

You ate the remainder of your meal in silence, all the while a pair of green eyes burning into the back of your head from across the hall. You could feel the weight of their concern, but you couldn’t bring yourself to turn around and meet them. Eren had seen a side of you last night that you had never intended for him to see, a side you had been working to hide from Jean for years. You hated that your mask could slip so easily around a near stranger, yet you could not even admit your vulnerability to your best friend.

You wanted to be a person Jean could depend on, and that person couldn’t be someone who burst into tears at an offhand remark overheard in a bath house.

Eren caught your eye on your way out to the training field and this time you held contact for a moment, unflinching. You gave him a small, reassuring smile and nodded. _I’m alright. Don’t worry about me._

He nodded back, but seemed unconvinced. Perhaps it was the red rims around your eyes that gave you away.

That morning had been assigned to hand-to-hand combat—not your most favourite of training drills, but still preferable to hurtling through the air at 50mph. Two years of training and you still could not get used to those dizzying heights. Just last week, you had watched a fellow trainee carried off on a stretcher when his grappling hook failed to embed properly. You’d never forget the sound he made as he hit the ground. You shuddered at the memory.

Keith Shadis bellowed at the trainees to pair off and out of force of habit, you moved to stand by Jean. He looked at you, incredulous, but said nothing. You mentally kicked yourself. The last thing you wanted to do was stare at his stupid face all morning, but maybe the training would be a good distraction, a chance to blow off some steam.

But when the two of you squared off, it soon became clear that Jean was facing a distraction of his own. You followed his line of sight, honey eyes focusing on something across the field. Your face grew stony when you realised what—or rather, _who_ —had been drawing his attention this whole time. Raven hair and perfect form, you didn’t need to look for long to feel decidedly inadequate.

“Ow!” Jean exclaimed as you broke through his defences and delivered a swift kick to the side of his knee.

“Eyes on me, Kirstein,” you said bitterly, sinking back into your fighting stance and beckoning for him to come at you. 

He hopped awkwardly as he rubbed his knee and glared at you. “That’s gonna bruise for sure. You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were mad at me about something.”

You said nothing, but your shoulders stiffened involuntarily. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“Oh my god, what have I done this time?” he groaned.

“Stop getting distracted and maybe you won’t walk out of here black and blue!” you snapped.

“You want me to take this seriously? Since when have you _ever_ taken hand-to-hand seriously?”

“Since now. Guard up!”

Jean raised his fists. “Jeez, alright. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

“You know it,” you growled.

Without warning, you lashed out and Jean barely had time to duck under your fist as you sent it swinging at his head. He retreated a few steps.

“Woah, woah! This is just practice, [Name], you’re not actually supposed to actually knock me out!”

You took another swing and he retreated again. “Playing pretend won’t get us into the Military Police, Jean.” You knew you were over-reacting. You knew this was unfair on Jean, who was still oblivious to the war inside you. But it just felt so _good_ to finally let it all out. Heat simmered just below the surface of your skin, a heat that urged you to wipe that shocked expression off his face. You’d show him you were worthy of the top ten, worthy of evoking the same look of wonder he gave Mikasa. “Come on, show me what you’ve got.”

Your next punch was halted by his hand, catching your fist easily in his own. He struggled to hold you as you fought to free yourself from his grip.

“[Name], enough!”

When you failed to pull your arm free, you turned his grip around on him, opening your fist and twisting your hand to take hold of his wrist. You watched his eyes flicker to your hand as if in slow motion and, before he had a chance to react, he was flat on his back in the dust, you pinning him with a knee to the chest and his arm twisted painfully at his side.

He looked dazed for a moment, then anger flashed across his face and in an instant, your positions were reversed and it was you lying in the dirt with Jean’s weight pressing down on you. You tried to hit him but he caught both your wrists in one large hand and held them, rendering you completely defenceless.

“What the fuck has gotten into you this morning?!” he cried, exasperated. He was out of breath and you didn’t want to think about how you could feel his breath on your face from how close his lips were to your own.

You felt yourself flush red and with a sudden strength you didn’t know you had, you shoved him unceremoniously off you and scrambled to your feet.

“You’re such an idiot, Jean Kirstein!” you shouted, drawing curious looks from the other trainees around you.

You had only a moment to appreciate the look of pure bewilderment on his face before you turned on your heel and stomped off toward the gear shed, angrily patting dust off your clothes as you went. You didn’t even bat an eyelid at the ridiculous sight of Eren and Reiner ass up in the dirt at the hands of Annie, something that would normally have you rolling with laughter. Anger and jealousy and shame burned in your cheeks and prickled in the corners of your eyes. You slammed the door behind you and leaned your forehead against the cool wood.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. You were supposed to get over this stupid crush and move on and eventually, when he realised his pursuit of Mikasa would amount to nothing, Jean would too, and everything would go back to normal.

But this ‘crush’ had turned into something else, something you didn’t want to give voice to because it would mean admitting that…

There was a soft knock on the door.

“[Name]? Open the door.”

“Go _away_ , Jean.” You hated the sound of your own voice—defeated, pathetic.

The door latch rattled. “Please, just… tell me what’s wrong.”

You waited for him to give you one good reason to open the door. The latch rattled again and you heard him sigh form the other side.

“I miss my friend,” he muttered, barely audible through the thick wood of the door.

Your chest ached. You missed your best friend too. But how could everything just go back to the way it was before now that your heart had betrayed you? You clicked the door open, just enough to peer out at him cautiously. Jean looked up hopefully at the sound and his eyes softened when they met with yours through the crack.

“Please.”

You sighed and opened the door for him, stepping aside to let him brush past you. You closed it behind him to prevent prying eyes and ears.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s up with you today?”

“I told you, I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Bullshit.”

“Well, what do you want me to say, Jean? It’s the truth.”

“Then what the hell’s got you so bothered you haven’t been sleeping? Is it your grades?”

“No…”

“Then _what_?”

Until that moment, you had been avoiding his gaze, but now you looked him dead in the eye. “You.”

“ _Me_?” he sputtered. “Why _me_?”

__“Because you’re so arrogant and self-centred and you don’t think before you open your mouth, and somehow, despite all that, I still really want to kiss you right now!”_ _

__You clamped your mouth shut but too late. The damage had been done. Jean stared at you for a long time. You weren’t sure who was more surprised—Jean at your sudden confession, or you for finally admitting to yourself that, yes, you _were_ in love with your best friend. For just a second, you hoped he would surprise you with a confession of his own, but then it all went downhill._ _

__“[Name]…” he said. “I don’t— I’m not—”_ _

__“You don’t feel the same. I get it. It’d be like kissing your sister, right?” you said coldly._ _

__Realisation dawned on his face. “ _That’s_ what this is about? I was just trying to get Reiner off my back!”_ _

__“That’s why you brought up Mikasa? Of course no one would blame you for liking _her_ , Miss Perfect-Scores-Across-the-Board. A much more acceptable choice than the girl who can’t even hold tenth place.”_ _

__Jean scoffed. “I can’t believe this. You’re jealous.”_ _

__“Well who wouldn’t be?!” The frustration and hurt was beginning to show in your voice and you fought to keep it from breaking, to keep yourself from breaking. “You’re so awestruck by her you can’t even see what’s right in front of your face! I’ve been working my ass of for _two years_ just to keep up, because maybe if was more like her you’d finally see me as more than just a scared little girl stuck in a tree.”_ _

__“[Name]—”_ _

__“No. No more. It was stupid to think that. I’m not good enough for the Military Police, and I’m obviously not good enough for you.”_ _

__You stormed past him and out of the shed, ignoring him when he tried to shout after you, ignoring how much it hurt when he called your name. Reiner was waiting outside by the door, not even bothering to pretend he wasn’t eavesdropping._ _

__“Trouble in paradise?” He smirked._ _

__“Shut it, Reiner,” you snapped, brushing past him without a second glance._ _

__Back on the training field, you looked around at your fellow trainee. You were without a sparring partner now and from the looks of it, no one was in need of one. Not that you much felt like returning to training anyway. You were about to ditch it altogether when Eren caught your eye from across the field an approached you. As he drew closer, his expression grew more concerned._ _

__“[Name],” he said softly. “Are you crying?”_ _

__Lifting your fingers to your cheek you found that you were, indeed, crying. You hadn’t even noticed the tears falling, pale streaks through the grime that had settled on your skin from the dusty training field._ _

__You scrubbed angrily at your face. “I’m not.”_ _

__Eren’s face hardened. “Did you two fight?”_ _

__“Is it that obvious?”_ _

__“Why do you work so hard just to please him? He clearly doesn’t deserve it.”_ _

__You looked at Eren pointedly and his eyes widened briefly, then he looked away._ _

__“Oh,” he said simply._ _

__“Yeah,” you said, kicking at the dusty ground._ _

__“Hey, spar with me.”_ _

__His request caught you off-guard until you spotted Shadis scrutinizing the training field from the sidelines, hawk-like eyes eager to catch an unsuspecting trainee slacking off._ _

__“O-okay.”_ _

__You fell into a half-hearted stance. Eren eyed it disapprovingly but said nothing, going through the motions of the training exercise with you. He was silent for a long time, correcting your posture every so often with gentle, guiding hands. Your skin burned each time he touched you and you hoped he would mistake the redness in your cheeks for exertion not bashfulness._ _

__“You need something you can fight for,” he said suddenly after your third failed attempt at disarming him landed you flat on your back._ _

__“I’m aiming for the Military Police, you know that.”_ _

__Eren shook his head, extending a hand to help you out of the dirt. “But _why_?”_ _

__“Jean and I made a promise that we’d join together.”_ _

__“There’s your problem. Jean has done nothing but disappoint you. You need something more concrete, more permanent.”_ _

__“How about ‘I don’t want to die’?”_ _

__“No one does. That’s what drives everyone. You need something stronger, something unique to you.”_ _

__“Well, what’s your reason then? Besides exterminating every last titan off the face of the earth?”_ _

__The bell signalling the end of the morning session sounded over the training field and a clamour rose up around you as your fellow trainees filed away towards the dining hall for lunch. You and Eren remained unmoving on the field._ _

__“Meet me outside the men’s barracks after dinner.” His eyes were determined and a grin flashed across his face. “I’ll show you.”_ _  



	8. Chapter 8

  
_“You’re so arrogant and self-centred and you don’t think before you open your mouth, and somehow, despite all that, I still really want to kiss you right now!”_

Jean had never even considered the _possibility_ that [Name] could have feelings for him. But the second she had uttered those words, suddenly everything made sense. Her mood towards him over the last few days, the way she grew cold and distant when he talked about other girls. Suddenly he realised how unprepared he was for this situation. And so he did the only thing he _could_ do and panicked.

“[Name]…” He struggled to find the words. “I don’t— I’m not—”

“You don’t feel the same. I get it. It’d be like kissing your sister, right?”

The look of hurt in her eyes, however fleeting before she closed her expression to him, broke his heart. And that was when Jean realised he’d fucked up. Badly.

His feet were rooted to the spot as she stormed out of the gear shed, slamming the door harshly behind her. He winced at the sound. He wanted to follow her—more than anything—but his legs refused to listen to him. When she was gone, he sagged against the counter behind him and dragged a hand over his face.

“Fuck,” he said simply.

When he finally gathered the courage to leave the shed, Reiner was waiting for him. The taller boy shook his head disapprovingly. “Smooth," was all he said.

“Learn to keep your damn nose out of other peoples’ business, Braun,” Jean snapped as he too stormed off back to the training field.

Marco gave him a questioning look as Jean stepped in and suggested they partner up for the remainder of the session. Bertholdt, Marco’s current partner, only shrugged and went off in search of Reiner. Marco didn’t ask questions, and for that, he was grateful, even when it became obvious Jean was not interested in training.

His attention was held by a spectacle at the edge of the training field, one that had his stomach twisting in an ugly and familiar way—[Name] with Jaeger. Later that night he would lie awake in bed wondering just what that feeling meant for him.

 

* * *

 

A strange tension hung in the air during dinner that night. [Name] had forgone her usual place by Jean’s side in favour of the company of Hannah and Mina, two girls she had grown acquainted with over the course of their training. He kept casting glances in her direction, hoping to catch her eye, but she seemed to be adamant about giving him the silent treatment.

As a result, Jean’s mood grew more and more sour as dinner progressed.

But while [Name] was hell bent on ignoring him, Jean felt another pair of eyes on him from the next table. He didn’t need to look to know it was Jaeger’s unflinching glare prickling at the back of his neck. He smirked to himself. Jean never could resist riling Jaeger up and, God knows, tonight he needed to let off some steam.

“Oi, Marco, did you see yesterday’s results? Top marks in 3D Manoeuvring again from Yours Truly.”

“Whaaa? That’s amazing, Jean!”

Jean smirked, purposefully laying on the cockiness in his tone. “The trick is all in the timing. If you get it just right, you can go further and faster while saving fuel.”

[Name] caught his eye from across the room. _What are you doing?_ that look seemed to say.

“I call bullshit,” someone else cut in.

“No, really. At the height of the swing, give it a strong blast for just a second, then rely on the momentum generated to carry you forward without having to keep your finger on the gas.”

“Easier said than done, Kirstein.”

“Yeah, maybe not _everyone_ can pull it off…” Jean mused, eyes drifting over to Mikasa for a moment before he realised what he was doing and hastily looked away. He cast a guilty glance at [Name], but she had returned to staring resolutely at her barely touched dinner. He recovered quickly. “But there’s no harm in knowing about it if you want to join the Military Police.”

“Yeah,” Marco sighed. “I’d love to get in. Can you imagine? There’s no greater honour than working near the King.” He went to take a sip of his drink just as Jean moved to slap him on the back, sending him face first into his drink. Jean felt a little guilty, but it added to the effect he was going for.

“Hold on, Marco. Quit talkin’ like a goody-two-shoes for once and say what you _really_ mean.” Jean leaned in, smirking devilishly. “You wanna join the Military Police ‘cause it means a safe, comfy life in the inner walls!”

“What? No, that’s not—”

“So, it’s comfy in the interior, is it?”

 _There_ was the reaction Jean was looking for. He felt the familiar thrill of adrenaline as he turned to meet Jaeger’s piercing green glare.

“Until five year ago, _this_ was considered the inner walls as well.”

“And your point is...?”

“You don’t need to go to the interior. Your head is nice and spacious as it is.”

Anger flared. Jean’s eye twitched. But he had asked for this. He ignored the snickering from the other trainees. “You little shit,” he said through clenched teeth.

“You don’t think it’s weird? Honing your skills only to get _away_ from the titans?”

“You’re only just saying this _now_? Of course it’s weird. But I _want_ the system to stay in place. For my sake, and…” He glanced at [Name], but she was watching Eren, a look of realisation dawning on her face. No. He couldn’t let Jaeger get to her too.

Eren surged to his feet. “You piece of scum! How can you say that?”

Jean rose to meet him, giddy with excitement as all the anger, the rage, the frustration came pouring out. “Shut up! This is the real world we’re talking about here. You either be a little selfish or you end up dead, simple as that.”

“Eren, stop!” Armin cried as Eren took hold of the front of Jean’s shirt.

Jean felt alive, invincible, a maniacal grin slowly creeping its way onto his face. Then Mikasa stood up and walked calmly over to them, taking Eren’s hand in her own and freeing Jean from his grasp.

“Enough,” she said and Eren deflated, casting his eyes downwards.

Something about the way Mikasa had touched Eren, the way her hand lingered on his now… It made Jean think of [Name] and Eren together on the training field earlier that day, on the way he touched her as he helped her through the positions, the way his hands lingered just slightly longer than necessary. That ugly, twisting sensation he’d felt before flared up again and Jean saw red.

“You know what? Fuck you,” he growled, grasping Eren’s shirt and shoving him back against the wall. “I’m so jealous!”

Eren’s eyes were wide, bewildered. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Any enjoyment Jean had previously found in the situation vanished as the anger boiled over. “You don’t understand. You can’t understand.”

Eren’s gaze softened. “What is this really about, Jean?” he said, low enough that only Jean could hear.

Jean had had enough. His grip tightened in Eren’s shirt, his other hand curling into a fist, but it never hit its target. It happened so fast, Jean didn’t even feel the pain until he had been lying on his back staring at the ceiling for a good few seconds. He sat up, rubbing the back of his head and glared up at Eren standing over him. Over Eren’s shoulder, Jean caught a glimpse of [Name], her expression one of concern, but it was only fleeting before she turned her face away again.

“What the fuck was that?”

“A combat technique I learned the hard way while _you_ were screwing around. A carefree, luxurious life is your idea of the real world? You would leave behind people who need you—people who care about you,” Eren’s eye’s flashed to [Name], “for your own selfish desires? And you have the nerve to call yourself a soldier.”

Silence fell amongst the members of the 104th Training Corps. Then the door clicked open. A single, hawk-like eye peered through the gap.

“What’s all this commotion?” rumbled Shadis.

No one spoke. Eren and Jean returned to their seats with bowed heads. After a few more seconds of pregnant silence, Mikasa finally offered up her hand.

“Sasha farted,” she said, completely deadpan.

“You again?” Shadis said over the stifled giggles of the other trainees and Sasha’s exclamation of horror. “Learn some decency.” And then he was gone.

The second the door closed, the tension broke and the events of a few minutes ago seemed to be forgotten. Laughter rippled through the room but Jean didn’t join in. Heat still simmered beneath his skin and his head now pounded from the force of Eren’s throw. He didn’t want to admit it, but Eren’s words had gotten to him.

 _“You would leave behind people who need you—people who care about you—for your own selfish desires.”_

Jean glanced over at [Name]. The fire burning inside him dampened a little as he saw her laughing along with the others, though her eyes looked like she had been crying again. She had been working so hard to reach the top ten and what had he done to help? He had been too busy focusing on his own grades, too busy trying to impress Mikasa that he didn’t even stop to think that [Name] might be struggling. Hadn’t they both made a promise to reach the Military Police together?

Suddenly, he was overwhelmed with guilt. He must look like a bad friend right now. He resolved to talk to her after dinner, and whatever feelings got in the way, they would work through them, just as they always did.

When dinner ended and as the group began to shuffle their way off to the bath houses, Jean moved to catch [Name] on her way out. She had left ahead of him and he rushed to make it outside before he lost her in the throng of trainees, but something made him stop dead at the threshold. Outside, just beyond the ring of torchlight, he saw she wasn’t alone. Eren stood with her and they were chatting eagerly. Jean watched with growing anger as Eren took her hand and pulled her off into the darkness in the direction of the dormitories.

There it was—that ugly feeling again. It boiled under his skin for but a moment before it bubbled over and Jean found himself storming off in the opposite direction, towards the trees at the edge of the forest where they trained in 3DMG.

He pressed his forehead up against the bark of a towering pine and breathed deep of the woody scent. He was losing her. He knew it was his fault.

“Shit!” he swore, punching the tree with enough force to split the skin across his knuckles. _”Fuck!”_ he swore again as the pain hit him. Blood dribbled down his hand and wrist, staining the sleeve of his white shirt. He watched it spread with a bitter taste in his mouth. He couldn’t help but think of it as a metaphor for how he was surely and steadily ruining everything good in his life.

He sat down heavily, his back against the tree, and looked up at the clear summer night sky. Six months. That was how long they had left in their training. He had six months to fix this—to mend things with [Name] and see her through to the top ten.

He only hoped six months was long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This is just a courtesy notice to let you all know that I will be going overseas on holiday very soon and so will be on hiatus until the 3rd of March :) So please don't panic if I'm a little quiet! I don't know how much access to internet I will have yet and I doubt I will get time to write since my schedule is pretty packed ^^'
> 
> I will return to updating regularly in March :) Thank you for your patience!


	9. Chapter 9

“Eren, I’m not supposed to be in here,” you hissed, keeping an eye on the door as the boy rummaged around beneath his and Armin’s bunk. 

You fidgeted uncomfortably. The boy’s dormitory was off limits for girls, and vice versa. You’d cast a curious glance around initially, but the sight of numerous pairs of dirty underwear on the floor had only made you blush. You’d tip-toed around the garments carefully to join Eren by the bunk, trying not to think too hard about who they belonged to.

“If Shadis catches me I’ll be running laps until Christmas.”

Eren flashed a grin your way and you felt yourself blush again. The memory of his hand in yours as he dragged you off after dinner was fresh in your mind. 

“Don’t worry, we’ve still got an hour before he starts checking we’re in our bunks. Ah, found it!”

“Do you not realise that man has eyes like a freakin’ _eagle_?!” You cast a cursory glance out the window before turning back to Eren. “What did you find?”

He beckoned you, a large dusty object in his hands. It was roughly square shaped and bulky, wrapped hastily in oilcloth to keep the mildew out. You eyed it uncertainly.

“You guys haven’t been hoarding food in here have you? Sasha tried that last month and we ended up with a family of mice living under the floorboards. Stunk to high heaven.”

He ignored you and shook the dust off, both of you spluttering as sneezing, before placing the object on the bed. He began to unwrap it carefully but eagerly. “You need to see this.”

Curiosity was getting the best of you and you leaned over his shoulder to watch. “What is it?”

“My reason for wanting to leave the walls.”

The cloth fell away to reveal a large, leather-bound tome. The embossed gold lettering on the cover, though faded, clearly read ‘ _Geographie_ ’. You frowned at the unfamiliar spelling, but you knew exactly what it was even before Eren had even flipped to the first well-loved page. You stopped him with a hand on his wrist before he could go any further.

“This shouldn’t be here,” you hissed, casting another fearful glance toward the door. “Why do you have this?”

Eren blushed at the contact and you hastily released him, your own cheeks growing warm in response. “It’s Armin’s,” he said. “Don’t worry, no one else knows about it except for me and Mikasa. And now you.” A look of horror suddenly dawned on his face. “You’re not gonna tell Shadis, are you?”

“Of course not! I’m not stupid,” you huffed, crossing your arms. “Let’s see it then.”

Eren suddenly looked excited and eagerly flipped the book open on the bed. It fell open easily, almost naturally, onto a page filled with black inked text. But it was the adjacent page that Eren was admiring, filled to the borders by an artist’s rendering of a great lake, so wide, you couldn’t see the opposite shore.

Your eyes widened and you found yourself leaning even closer, not even noticing when your shoulders brushed together. “ _That’s_ what’s out there? Are there really lakes like that beyond the walls?”

“Not a lake. The _ocean_!” Eren enthused, turning to you. You blushed when you realised how close his face was to yours but he continued unfazed, cheeks flushed with enthusiasm. “It’s supposedly all salt water, you can’t drink it.”

“What’s beyond it?”

“Who knows? But there’s so much more out there—flaming water, lands made of ice, fields of sand. I want to see it all.” His eyes blazed determinedly. “That’s why I have to fight. Why I won’t give up until every last titan is gone.”

Something about his determination, his unwavering resolve was catching and you suddenly found yourself yearning to know more, to see it all for yourself. You met his fierce gaze.

“Show me more.”

But it seemed it would have to wait for another night as the unmistakeable bustle of trainees returning to their dorms to turn in met your ears. Eren threw you an apologetic look before hastily re-wrapping the book and stowing it away under the bed.

“Tomorrow night, an hour after lights out. Meet me at the edge of the forest.”

Your heart pounded but you nodded, a thrill going through you at the thought of sneaking out right under Shadis’ nose.

As you hurried out of the boy’s dorm, you almost ran headlong into Jean on his way inside. He stared at you, wide-eyed, for a moment, then opened his mouth as if to say something. Then he caught sight of Eren over your shoulder and seemed to think better of it and closed his mouth again, lips pressed into a hard line.

You were still mad at him, admittedly. You were pretty sure you’d still be mad at him ten years from now. You just wanted to go to bed, but as you made to brush past him, he stopped you suddenly with a hand outstretched as if to catch your arm but you jerked out of his reach. His knuckles were raw and bloody, his sleeve stained red. He recoiled the hand quickly when he noticed you staring and cleared his throat.

“[Name], I—” He paused, casting another glare over your shoulder before returning his amber eyes to you. Their usual brightness had faded and he looked tired, defeated. He continued in a hushed voice: “can we talk tomorrow? After breakfast.”

You pursed your lips. You wanted to say no. If his actions at dinner earlier had meant to win you over, he was sorely mistaken. But the way he looked at you—imploring, pleading… It was hard to ignore.

You sighed. “Fine. See you at breakfast.”

Jean seemed to relax, letting out a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he said. “See you tomorrow.”

Then you hurried off before you could garner too much attention for being in the boy’s dormitory at night. You made it back to the girl’s dorm without too much trouble, though your cheeks still burned from having to endure Reiner’s wolf whistle as he caught you sneaking away. 

As you dressed for bed and climbed under the covers, Shadis’ booming voice outside calling for lights out, you thought about Jean and his bloody knuckles, and about Eren and your secret meeting tomorrow night. Your heart pounded, both with trepidation and anticipation. 

Sleep took a long time to find you that night, but when it finally did, you dreamed of the ocean. Someone stood beside you on the shore, his hand warm in yours, but when you turned to look upon his face, the sound of the morning bell startled you awake.

Breakfast was quiet, as usual, the cadets of the 104th training legion nursing stiff muscles and dozing off in their porridge. You ate with Mina and Hannah again, picking at your breakfast while you listened to them complain yet again about the hard mattresses in the barracks. You thought they were exaggerating their grievances just a bit, but you hummed in agreement anyway whenever they turned to you for affirmation.

Your mind was elsewhere that morning, and your time was split between observing Eren at the table next to you, who flashed you a small smile every time he caught you looking, and checking up on Jean, who appeared to not be hungry, his bowl pushed away from him in a gesture that was so decidedly unlike Jean that you had begun to worry. Maybe it was your current lack of stimulating conversation, or maybe you just weren’t as mad at him as you thought you were, but suddenly you felt like it was time you gave him another chance. When the bell signalling the end of breakfast rang, he looked up and caught your eye, making a motion with his head to meet him outside.

As the other trainees filed off in all directions to make the most of their half hour of free time before the morning session on battle strategy, you and Jean lagged behind, sitting awkwardly side by side outside the dining hall. You waited for Jean to speak first, but he seemed unable to find his voice. He fiddled with the loose bandage around his hand he had so obviously tried to tie himself. It was stained with flecks of red.

“How’d you managed that?” you probed, bumping him gently with your shoulder to jolt him out of his trance.

“Oh, uh…” He hastily hid the bandage from sight. “I was just blowing off some steam last night.”

“With what, a rock?”

He rubbed the back of his head and grimaced. “It was a tree, actually.”

“What did the poor tree ever do to deserve that?” you cried in mock horror. He finally seemed to realise you were messing with him and visibly relaxed, letting out a shaky laugh.

“Doesn’t matter, it got its revenge anyway,” he said with a slight quirk of his mouth. Then he turned serious again. “Listen, [Name]… I’ve been a jerk. I realise that now. I know this is probably the last thing you want to do right now, and God knows I don’t deserve it, but… can you forgive me?”

“Hmmm…” you hummed, pretending to think long and hard about it. You furrowed your brow and tapped your finger against you chin as you looked him up and down, savouring the increasingly despairing look that was slowly entering his face. “You’re right,” you said, “you don’t deserve it.”

His face fell and he hung his head. “I get it. I—”

You held up a hand to silence him. “But,” you interrupted. “I’m willing to give you another chance.” You held up a hand again as he opened his mouth to spout his profuse thanks and he snapped it shut in an instant. Inside you were giddy at having him wrapped around your little finger. “On one condition.”

“Anything,” he said, eager to please.

“From now on, no more distractions. No more feelings getting in the way. Bros before hoes.” You held out a hand. “Deal?”

He laughed, incredulous, and shook your hand. “Deal,” he said.

His hand was warm in yours and he held it for slightly longer than necessary. You both blushed and let go quickly when you realised, suddenly becoming very interested in a cloud in the sky or a grain in the woodwork. Jean cast a sly glance your way.

“Did you just call Mikasa a hoe?” he said.

“I would never,” you gasped. “If anything, I was talking about you,” you teased, punching him in the arm.

“Okay, I guess I deserved that,” he muttered, but his familiar cocky smirk was back in place and suddenly everything felt right with the world again. You stood up.

“Come on,” you said, hand outstretched. “I’ll bandage that hand up properly for you.”

“You gonna kiss it better?” he smirked, taking your offered hand and letting you haul him to his feet.

You blushed and almost dropped him back on his ass. There was something in the way he said it, like he was almost serious, that sent your heart fluttering. You pushed down the feelings and squared your shoulders, recovering quickly, and scoffed.

“In your dreams, Kirstein.”


	10. Chapter 10

It was surprising how easy it appeared to be to fall right back into your previous comradery with Jean. The two of you had turned quite a few heads when you walked into the dining hall that morning, laughing and chatting amicably as if nothing had even happened. On the surface, it probably just looked like as if the two of you had simply made up after one of your many irrational disagreements, as everyone knew you eventually would. But things were different this time. Everything was out in the open and both of you had to put in work to not let it come between you again.

But you were managing, and though you still felt that painful twinge in your chest whenever Jean’s gaze flickered Mikasa’s way, all you had to do was look to the sea green eyes across the hall and the pain would ease a little.

You hadn’t told Jean about your meeting with Eren later that night. You had no doubt he would only try to stop you and you didn’t want to risk jeopardizing your newly reformed friendship. So you kept it a secret, hidden in knowing glances between you and Eren from opposite sides of the dining hall.

When you turned back to Jean, he was looking at you suspiciously but, though he must have known what had drawn your gaze, chose to say nothing. He jabbed his spoon into the tar-like gruel the cooks liked to call porridge perhaps a little more violently than he intended, then quickly realised his mistake when he splattered food all down his front.

He cursed and you giggled, the tension lifting between you ever so slightly. The glare he shot your way was only half-hearted, and you could see the small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. This was how things were supposed to be.

“So…” Jean said around a mouthful of food. “I’ve been thinking about how we can get your ranking back up.”

You looked up from your breakfast with sudden interest.

“Private training with me once a week after dark. No one will be using the training field or the equipment. We can spend as long as we need to.”

“And what about Shadis?”

Jean scoffed. “Please, that old codger is out like a light once he’s had his nightly nip of brandy. He won’t bother us. We can even start tonight if you’re ready.”

Your heart sank. “Oh,” you said, scrabbling for an out. “I can’t tonight, I already have plans…”

He stared at you blankly. “We’re soldiers in training, we don’t exactly have lives. What plans could you possibly have? You and the other girls going to braid each other’s hair?”

“No! I mean, not exactly…” You could feel your cheeks heating up and you had to fight the urge to glance in Eren’s direction.

Jean just snorted. “Whatever. Glad to see you taking your training so seriously,” he said sarcastically and flinched under your glare. “Alright, alright. We’ll start tomorrow night. You’d better be ready, [Name].”

“Ready to kick your ass, Kirstein.”

“Oh ho! Them’s fightin’ words.” He leaned his elbow casually on the table, resting his chin on his hand and letting that lazy, cocky grin you both loved and hated spread across his face. “It’s going to be all the more embarrassing for you when you lose.”

“Ha! Not likely.”

This was it—that easy, playful banter you had missed so much, only now it was laden with barely concealed emotion, hesitation, fear that one joke too far would trigger another argument. You were treading carefully, and Jean was doing the same. You wondered if things could ever return to how they were before. As long as your feelings for him persisted, you doubted it ever would.

The day passed uneventful, though you and Jean seemed to have done something to draw Shadis’ ire because he placed the two of you on boot shining duty again that took you both well into dinner time to complete. You supposed he had noticed you’d made up and decided it was better to make a pre-emptive strike before the two of you could get up to any more of your usual troublemaking. 

By the time you and Jean trudged into the dining hall, still covered head to toe in dust from the hand-to-hand combat session that afternoon and fingers rubbed red and raw from the harsh bristles of the shoe brushes, it was mostly empty. You hadn’t had time to bathe before dinner and you were worried bathing afterwards would make you late for your meeting with Eren, but you would just have to risk it.

You scarfed down your dinner, Jean watching you with wide eyes.

“Jeez, you weren’t kidding about having plans, huh?”

“Why would I lie about that?” you replied through a mouthful of food.

He shook his head. “I will never understand girls,” he sighed. “Slow down before you choke. Or is that the idea? I’m not giving you mouth-to-mouth, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

You almost _did_ choke at that. “You’re the only one who’s thinking that, Jean,” you said, but the heavy blush colouring your contradicted your words. 

Jean smirked and leaned forward across the table, his face too close to yours to be comfortable. “Don’t lie, [Name],” he said, his eyes purposefully flickering down to your lips. “I know you’re thinking it now.”

Your face turned beet red. There was something in his eyes, something you couldn’t quite read. It was almost as if…

He burst out laughing, whatever emotion you thought you saw in his gaze suddenly gone and you wondered if you had even really seen it at all. A few heads turned your way and then rolled their eyes as they saw who it was.

“You should have seen your face!” he cackled, wiping a tear from his eye. “You looked like a tomato.”

“You’re such a jerk,” you muttered, delivering a swift kick to his knee under the table.

“OW!” he whined, his mirth cut prematurely short.

His pain made you feel somewhat better, but still, the look in his eyes had worried you. It was almost as if he was daring you to do it, almost as if he wanted you to kiss him. You shook your head, clearing your thoughts. No. Jean had made it abundantly clear he didn’t see you that way and never would. But if he continued this teasing, it was going to make it all the more difficult for you to get over him and all the more painful when he had to reject you all over again. You didn’t think your friendship could survive a second blow like that.

All you could do was laugh it off and lose all your pain, your jealousy, in deep sea-green eyes.

You pushed the remains of your dinner across the table to Jean, who descended on it eagerly, and got to your feet. Jean paused in his eating to watch you go.

“You ever gonna tell me what you’re up to?”

“Not on your life.” And with that you were gone.

You bathed hurriedly, glad that the bath house was mostly empty, many of your fellow trainees opting to bathe before dinner after the long afternoon spent in the sun and dust of the training field. But by the time you had managed to make yourself look (and smell) even halfway decent, bed time was already upon you. You were just debating how you were going to slip past Shadis in time to meet Eren, when you ran into the instructor outside your dorm.

“Lights out was called ten minutes ago, Cadet [Last Name]. Get to bed before I assign you boot shining duty for the next month.”

You uttered a hurried “yes sir” and did as you were told, feeling his yellow gaze bore into your back as you slipped past him into the already dark dorm. You made a show of crawling into bed and pulling the blankets up to your chin, and you didn’t move until you heard the door click shut and the instructor’s heavy footfalls fade away into the distance.

You waited a few more minutes to be sure he was gone then, as quietly as you could, you slipped out of bed and pulled on your boots, draping your coat around your shoulders, though in the warm summer evening, you doubted you would need it.

Most of the other girls were asleep already, worn out from a long day of training, but you could feel the eyes of a few of them watching you as you made your way to the door and cracked it open to ensure Shadis wasn’t lurking.

“Where are you going?” You flinched as Annie’s harsh whisper froze you in your place.

“Out,” you whispered back.

There was a long silence, and you knew she was debating if it was worth calling Shadis. Evidently, she decided it was too much trouble, and you heard her settle back down in her bunk. “Don’t get caught,” was all she said and you breathed a sigh of relief, easily slipping out into the night.

You stole across the open training field beneath the shadow of a drifting cloud, heart racing in your throat and the back of your neck prickling as you anticipated Shadis’ sharp bark of your name to stop you in your tracks. But it never came and you breathed a sigh of relief when you finally reached the shadow of the trees at the edge of the forest.

Eren was nowhere to be seen and you felt your heart sink in disappointment. You had already been running late when you’d left the bath house, and with your run-ins with both Shadis and Annie, Eren must have grown tired of waiting for you and returned to bed

Just as you were beginning to wonder if you should head back to bed yourself, a hand shot out of the darkness between two pines and took hold of your arm. You would have yelped loudly if it hadn’t been for your assailant anticipating your actions and pressing a firm but gentle hand over your mouth. You glanced over your shoulder and were met with a pair of reassuring green eyes, and immediately relaxed. Eren removed his hand, blushing slightly—though it could just as easily have been a trick of the light. He had a bag slung over his shoulder, the leather strap straining against the weight of the tome it held inside. Your heart rate quickened ever so slightly.

“Sorry I’m late,” you said in a hushed voice. “I ran into Shadis on my way into the dorm.”

Eren only grinned and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, I’m just glad you came.” He took you hand in his, tugging you lightly in the direction of the woods. “Come on, this way!”

You stumbled after him through the brush, hand clasped tightly in yours. The pads of his fingers and palm were warm and rough with the years of hard training. You found yourself blushing at the contact and, though his face was turned away from you, eyes ahead as he followed the trail, you thought you could see a pink tinge to his ears as well.

Eren stopped rather suddenly and, distracted by the warmth of his hand, you bumped into his back. You looked around. He had led you to the edge of a small clearing, a shallow, bubbling brook threading its way through the undergrowth by the patch of green, plush grass. The light of the almost full moon shone down through the trees, bathing the little circle of green in pale blue light.

“How did you find this?” you said, gazing around in wonder.

Eren shrugged. “I remember passing it when I snuck out with Reiner and Bertholdt to practice my 3D gear way back. I thought you’d like it.”

“It’s beautiful,” you agreed, stepping forward and realizing too late that you and Eren were still attached at the hand. You both flushed heavily and hastily let go of each other, looking away in opposite directions.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Eren cleared his throat. “So, uh. Should we sit?”

“Oh. Yes.”

He seated himself on the grass with his back against a thick oak and removed the heavy book from his bag. You sat down gingerly beside him, careful not to make any physical contact, but close enough that you could peer over his shoulder as he let the book fall open in his lap. It fell naturally onto a page full of illustrations, as if it had been opened to that page many times before. One of the illustrations in particular caught your eye.

“What’s that?” you breathed.

“That,” he replied, “is the ocean.”

“Tell me more.”

And he did.


	11. Chapter 11

You woke the next morning feeling better than you had in weeks. The other girls in the dorm, all nursing bruises and aching muscles from the previous day’s training, glared at you with bleary eyes, cursing your cheerful mood so early in the morning. But you paid little mind to their disgruntlement with you, nor the bruises on your own skin or the heavy bags under your eyes. You had your best friend back, and for once the thought of being ‘just friends’ didn’t seem to bother you as much as long as you kept the thought of Eren and the feeling of his arm pressed against yours as you huddled together over the book in your mind.

You hummed happily as you dressed and pulled on your boots, much to the chagrin of your dorm mates. There was nothing that could sour your mood today. Not even Shadis could get under your skin. Or so you thought.

“You have a twig in your hair.” Mikasa’s familiar monotone pulled you from your thoughts.

“What?” Your hand flew immediately to your hair in a panic, searching for the incriminating evidence. You pulled it free and laughed nervously. “I wonder how that got there… Must have forgotten to wash my hair.”

Mikasa’s cold, black eyes searched yours for a long moment. She must have found what she was looking for because, finally, she pulled her scarf up under her chin and walked away without another word. You watched her go, brushing your hand through your hair one last time to ensure there were no more hidden surprises. Mikasa wasn’t stupid—you knew that. But you hoped she would overlook the fact that…

“We didn’t have training in the forest yesterday…” You almost jumped at how close Annie’s voice sounded. “It’s dangerous to be alone out there at night.”

“Keep your voice down,” you hissed, casting a cursory glance around the dorm to make sure no one was listening in. “ _Please_ don’t tell Shadis.”

Annie shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s of no concern to me what you get up to at night. Just cover your tracks better next time.”

“What, like you? Don’t think I don’t notice you sneaking off in the middle of the night too.”

“You’re more observant than I gave you credit for.”

You rolled your eyes. “Gee, thanks, Annie.”

“Welcome.” She stood to leave. “You still have tree in your hair, by the way,” she said casually over her shoulder as she walked away.

Cursing under your breath, you combed your fingers frantically through your hair, but when you found nothing, you realised you had only succeeded in making yourself look like a fool. And if Annie was even capable of showing emotion, she would surely be laughing at you right now.

“You seem awfully chipper this morning,” Jean remarked as you bounded up to him at breakfast. 

You sat down across from him and pulled your bowl of lumpy porridge eagerly toward you as if it was the most appetizing thing in the world. You shrugged. “Just slept well last night is all.”

“Is that why you look like the walking dead? You could smuggle gold in those bags under your eyes.”

“Shut up.” You jabbed your spoon at him threateningly. “I may not have gotten _much_ sleep, but it was good sleep.”

“Is braiding hair really that therapeutic?” Jean teased. 

You gave him a long-suffering look. “You have no idea, Kirstein.”

“…Yeah, let’s keep it that way.” He frowned suddenly, his eyes drawn to something just past your face. “You have something in your hair.”

Before you could protest, he was already reaching out to pluck the object from where it was tangled between the strands. You held your breath as his fingers brushed your cheek on their path, and you were sure Jean felt the shudder that rolled through you at his touch because he pulled away abruptly, a dried pine needle clutched between his fingers.

He blushed. 

You blushed. 

You both looked away hastily, suddenly very interested in your breakfasts.

Jean cleared his throat. “So, are you up for some training this afternoon?”

You groaned. Saturday mornings were rifle practice, but the trainees of the 104th had the rest of the afternoon free—a rare occurrence that everyone looked forward to, especially when the weather was fair.

“Do we have to?”

“Only if you want to make the top ten.” 

“The top ten is overrated,” you huffed, folding your arms over your chest.

“Say the girl who’s desperately clinging to eleventh place right now.”

“Shut up. Okay, you’re on for this afternoon.”

“I deserve an award or something. Giving up my free afternoon to help a friend in need.”

“Keep talking like that, Kirstein, and I’ll make you regret your decision. Remember, I kicked your ass once, I can do it again.”

Jean scoffed. “Please, I won that fight fair and square.”

“Doesn’t matter _who_ won, only that you got overpowered by a _girl_ ,” you teased back.

“Barely! And it was kinda… well, _hot_ …” His voice trailed off and you wondered if you had even heard him right.

“What?” You breakfast sat forgotten in front of you, your spoon frozen halfway between your bowel and your mouth.

He cleared his throat. “I mean, it was a hot day. I was already tired, it would have been easy to overpower me. Anyway, it won’t happen again.”

You snorted. “Whatever. Prepare to lose, horse boy.”

You returned to your half-eaten porridge, continuing your banter with Jean as you ate. Who knew you’d soon be eating your words as well.

You glared enviously at your fellow trainees from where you lay on your back in the dust of the training field. What you wouldn’t give to be among those ambling over the grounds, lazing in the shade of the enormous beech trees by the lake, dipping their toes in the crystal waters.

The end of Summer was already fast approaching and instead of enjoying it as a girl your age _should_ have been, you were here, lying in the dirt, your tailbone smarting from hitting the ground one too many times.

A familiar shadow fell over you.

“Come on. Again.”

You groaned. “Jean, we’ve been at this for an hour.”

He held out a hand. “Again.”

You ignored the offered hand and flung an arm dramatically over your face. “Nope. I’ve decided I don’t want to be in the Military Police anymore. I’ll join the Garrison instead.”

“[Name], you’re afraid of heights.”

“I’m afraid of your face.”

Jean sighed. “Fine. We’ll take five.” 

He sat down heavily in the dirt beside you. He was as exhausted as you were, though you knew he would never admit it. It was times like these, when you could finally take a breath and think about your situation, that you realised just how young you both were. Fifteen and already trained to be obedient soldiers. Trained to _kill_. At your age you should be going to school, making friends, having your first kiss. Not shooting rifles at dummies that were uncomfortable human-shaped or learning the correct way to care for a blade.

“Sometimes I wonder…” Jean looked up at your words. “…if I made the wrong decision to become a soldier.”

“Don’t say that. You would be working the fields if you really believed that.”

You laughed, but there was no humour in it. “I considered it. More than once.”

“And yet you’re still here.”

“Out of fear more than anything.”

“Fear of what?”

You turned your head to the side to look him in the eye. “Honestly? I didn’t want to look like a failure to you. I didn’t want it to seem like I was abandoning you. We made a promise.”

Jean cast his eyes to the dusty soil, fingers toying with a dry and trampled shoot of grass that had managed to break through the compacted earth. “I never meant to make it seem like this was your only choice… I’m sorry. I would have supported you if you wanted to leave.”

You shook your head. “Don’t be sorry. As long as I’m by your side, I’m where I want to be.”

A slow blush spread across Jean’s face, his interest in the blade of grass piquing suddenly. He cleared his throat. “Have you… given any thought to what you’re going to do if you don’t make the top ten?”

You hummed. “I mean, it’ll have to be the Garrison, won’t it? It’s that or marry a member of the Military Police so I can live in Wall Sina. I bet Reiner would make a good husband…”

“Oi! Don’t even say that.”

“What, are you jealous?” you teased.

“N-no!” The blush was back. “But, if it even came to that, if you’re going to marry anyone I’d rather it be me…” His voice was so low, you barely heard the muttered words, but what you did hear made you blush even darker than Jean.

You laughed it off. “I guess I’ll just have to train hard so I don’t have to end up married to _you_.”

“Hey, I’m a prime candidate for the Military Police! I’m a catch and you know it.”

“If you say so,” you chuckled. You hauled yourself to your feet and sighed. “Come on. I guess we should make the most of our free afternoon. You want to be the attacker this time?”

Jean got to his feet, dusting off his pants. “Alright, but I don’t think it’ll make much of a difference.”

“You have so much faith in me, Jean,” you deadpanned.

“I just mean I think we need to change tactics. You don’t have the strength to beat someone larger than you with raw power alone, so instead of being strong, you have to be smart and you have to be _fast_.” He flashed you at smirk. “At least you’ve got the second part down.”

“I will not hesitate to throw this fake knife at your head.”

“Hear me out. Annie is even smaller than you, but she still manages to drop Reiner on his ass every training session. Maybe you could stand to take a page out of her book?”

“Are you saying I should be asking Annie to train me?”

“I mean, it couldn’t hurt?”

“…You _saw_ how she left Eren and Reiner the other week, right?”

“Okay, yeah, it’ll probably hurt. But no pain, no gain.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Is that supposed to motivate me? Because it’s not working.”

Jean sighed. “Let’s just run through the drills again. We’ll get you where you need to be.”

You nodded, handing him the dummy knife and assuming a defensive position. He settled into his stance, but before he could make a move, you stopped him.

“Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. Really.”

He smiled. “What are friends for?”

Giving some stellar bruises was what friends were for, apparently, as you would come to find out the next day…


End file.
